The Eye

The little boy that cried wolf..

of dreamy hopes...
The Eye
Thinks have changed and are still changing. For good or bad, one can only hope it's the former. I only wait for the dust to settle and stability to ensue.

Dreamy Hopes

Memory of past, shrouded by present.
A new lease of indulgent space.
Relieve from anguish, perhaps temporary.
Initial sweetness, bitter aftertaste.

Sweet indulgence, lost in the moment.
Perception of time, altered and still.
Reluctance of hope and dreamy desires.
Reluctance of neglect for conscious will.

Wake up! wake up!, says the voice within,
Read carefully the warning signs.
Tread carefully the path you have chosen.
Be wary the pitfalls of your grand designs.

But the mind wavers for dreamy hopes.
And the heart desires with narrowing scope.
Softness lingers, with caution of pain.
Battling of wills to prevent disdain...

What will be? We know not for sure.
Who is it up to, you me or her?
What to do, with foolish desires?
How much will you take before you retire?

Wake up! wake up!, calls the voice within,
Read carefully the warning signs.
Tread carefully the path that is chosen.
Be wary the pitfalls of grand designs.

Remember The Fool, in pitiable sorrow.
He forgets sometimes, caught up in play.
He forgets sometimes to think of tomorrow.
Still learning, albeit, to amend his ways

- The psychic butterfly

The Eye
The heartbeat quickens:
Surge of epinephrine.
The temperature rises,
Something stirring within.

A flurry of thoughts hither and thither.
Usual control it seems to lack.
Fueled with emotion rising and swirling.
Overwhelming all sense of reason and tact.

They form into words, these unwelcome forces,
Adding in vain, more fuel to the flame.
They surge out of control, but for a moment.
Perpetuating actions reasoned by blame.

The monsters they wake, hungry for more.
Hungry for what they see in the store.
They feed off the weakness by unguarded moment.
They rise and seize the opportunity for torment.

Words can be spoken, but stick will break bones.
Just a little bit more, and they will have their way.
Keep them in check, watch them intently.
Watch for their creeping to keep them at bay.

How long will it last, this chemical imbalance.
How long will you ride these waves of fury.
How much will you allow yourself to be taken.
How much more before your conscience awakens.

They come and go, wreaking all havoc.
And finally fade, mild disaster in wake.
They have to be watched a little more closely,
And must be stopped, before more is at stake.

The dust will settle and the wind will cool.
The monsters have stopped knocking the door.
Only regret and unwelcome memory remains.
Leaving one worse for wear than before.

-The Psychic Butterfly-

The faithless
The Eye
It seems like my faith has wavered slightly. I need to find firm ground and re-establish its solidity. I will try to do so.

Gathering Clouds

Fading sunshine, an unwelcome twilight,
The rumbling echoes, overhead.
Whispering wind, light and cool...
Sweeping the daylight away in its stead.

Displacement of hope and pessimistic disdain
Creep from the depths of previous starvation.
Nibbling away, slowly but surely.
Wearing away the the clothes of  suppression.

What monsters come with the gathering clouds.
What monsters come when the guard is sleeping.
What darkness grows from the seeds of uncertainty.

What fading light that encourages its creeping.

Did it come with the gathering clouds.
Or was it always patient, waiting at gate.
Did the darkness bring it with rumbling sky.
Or was it there, just lying in wait.

Slowing creeping but fought with rebellion,
Fought with the fading light from within.
Fought with the help of wavering hope,
And fueled with reluctance to give in.

What monsters come with the gathering clouds.
What monsters come when the guard is sleeping.
What darkness grows from the seeds of uncertainty.

What fading light that excites its creeping.

The clouds still gather, the sky still rumbles.
But for now the darkness is kept at bay.
Avoiding false step to prevent a fumble.
Silently hoping for light of day.

The cautious wait, not idle completely,
Observing, watching the descending shroud.
Attempt at vigilance, not idle nor meekly,
Awaiting patiently, a slight break in the clouds

(no subject)
The Eye
Was rather uneventful today.

My dinner. Chilli chorizo basil pasta with seared chicken breasts.

I know the picture lacks in greenery but fresh herbs are a luxury i can ill afford at the moment.

I'll be back later.

Mind the Gap
The Eye
So.. where am i now?
Almost half a decade later, I am on a different continent, have an Hons. Degree in Biochemistry, been in three successful (up to a point!) relationships, started learning jiu-jitsu for self defense and am well on my way to be disguised as a responsible adult. When i set out to leave my sunny homeland Island at that precarious time in my life, i set out to do 5 things. They were simple things, achievable by any moderately determined soul. Nonetheless... Four of them i have done and one, am still in the process of doing. The only thing that i have not yet done is to go scuba-diving. I'm still working on it, but to be honest, i don't see it happening any time soon. I have more pressing issues to worry about.
Get a job, stabilise your finances.
I have just graduated, see. And lacking the P.hD scholarship that i worked so hard for in vain and missed out on grounds not pertaining to academic ineptitude or lack of dilligence, i will have to find another means of carrying out my prerogative. READ: Get a research job and work your way up from the inside towards a scholarship. A mere 3% deficiency in academic merit and such pitfalls i encounter. Considering the circumstances, however, i think i have done really well.
Or at least this is what i try to tell myself in moments of doubt and frustration.

But alas, this seemingly minute lack of percentage to acheive a First Class mark is also noticeable and somewhat frowned upon amongst the Scientific-academia. We are judged not leniently for these small differences in merit and indeed i am finding it a slight struggle to find gainful employment.
So this is where i am now. An unemployed Graduate. The irony!
Seems like a short story doesn't it? The best ones are short and leave the readers to their own imagination. But i guess in time i will slowly fill in the gaps. In due time.. as and when i feel the need to interject into my writings, an appropriate encounter or experience.

An ode to futon.
The Eye
A throbbing vein in my head.
Alcohol-induced drowsiness,
A calling from bed.

One more drink,
The stomach churns.
One needs to think,
But the head... it burns.

Steady now.. Plan the departure.
Plan the calm to drift away.
Wake again with good intentions,
We'll try again with dawn of day.

Relax your mind, be at peace.
Dream of she who helps you sleep.
Stretch and yawn in cleanly sheets,
And dream the dreams you want to keep.


Let sleeping dogs lie and rabid dogs be put to slumber.
The Eye
I've just heard news that a certain someone i know has been doing something he or she is not supposed to. It infuriates me because i have talked to this person over and over again lately with indication that i am being understood. It infuriates me when people are so selfish and caught up in their self-destructiveness that they cannot see the people they are hurting. It is fair enough when a person feels a certain way and wants to behave a certain way to find some sort of release from their actions. Everybody needs release. But i lose my patience when the consequences of their behaviour and actions exceed the circumference of their own reality and affect others' negatively.
What to do? I've been told to sit an wait. But to be honest, I feel it is not an easy thing to do. It would seem easier to intoxicate and numb myself into emotional obliteration so i do not feel at all. In fact, it is exactly what I'm going to do.
Yes i DO understand.
And yet there is some sort of barrier or limit to my on state of self-destruction. If nothing else, i would stop hurting myself if i knew the impact it would have on those around me. In the end, one must stop doing things out of the interest of self-preservation. But at least it helps to have some checkpoints along the way. It helps to have signs to tell you when to slow down or stop, if the road is slippery or wet. It helps us,even in our state of bleary-eyed travel, to be aware and wary of impending calamities. Some people i guess do not put up these signs or fail to see them even if they have..

Lack of interest in self-preservation? Quite likely.

What to do? Sit and wait as I'm told.
Sit and wait and let it be.
Wait like times of old.

Yes, somethings don't change,
or not at least, that quickly...

You, yes YOU.

Stop biting off more than you can chew.

We are all here to help.
But the only one who really can is YOU.

Return to Livejournal
The Eye

Wow. Where do i start? Where do i begin? After some, albeit brief, contemplation, I've decided to return to this LJ account i left so long ago (254 weeks according to LJ statistics). I feel some need for release from this pressure i feel building up inside me. Some form of redemption. A creative outlet akin to the purpose of the cheap acoustic guitar i so recently bought.
Perhaps it is an effort too to gather my own thoughts and pen them down so i do not forget them.
Perhaps again, feeling the need to pick up where i left off.
Tell the world of my adventures!
I started of by reading my old entries backward, one by one until i came to the very first.
Mind you, it was no easy task.
Quite a few times my metaphorical shoulders sagged, and almost gave way to the intensities of my past, almost convincing me to throw in the towel and abandon this venture. But with some effort, i managed to finish this brief but intense journey and i am also somewhat pleased to admit that i have. It reminded me where i have been and where i have left off. And should be common knowledge to us all, we can only move forward with proper intent if we remember where we come from.
So the question then.
Where am i now? That, my friends, is not an easy question to answer. Much has happened since then, as much is happening as i type. But i can tell you, for sure and without a doubt, i am in a much better place than i was before.
Though reminiscent darkness never truly goes away. It is just kept in check by the light we seek and choose to let shine in its place.
I thank you for your patience as i try to reiterate my memories (with mild embellishment!), over the ensuing entries.

254 weeks says LJ. Have i been missed, i wonder.

My nephew.
The Eye
I went over to my cousin's house yesterday.I bumped into them in town when i was about and decided to dropby their place when i was done.She bought this mini-kitchen set and my little 1 1/2 year old nephew was at it by the time i got there.Banging plastic pots and pans and making a ruckus in general.Damed cute, putting a plastic potato into the make-believe microwave oven and taking it out again.I told him it was hot and made him wear little mittens that came with the set.At one point of time, i brandished a pair of spatulas like nunchucks and he imitated me, screaming, with his plastic knife.Haha.Of course at that point i realised that maybe it was not such a good thing to demonstrate.Haha.He's of indian and russian descent and very smart for his age.

I took some fotos of him and showed it to him from my digicam, he just pointed and laughed and said Baby!baby!

He's always smiling too.Just watching him can give a semi-jaded adult some hope.

The Eye

It was so dusty i had to wash it before i took the picture.
Rover heard the squeak and came running in my direction jumping up and down.
I think i ought to get him a squeek-toy.
Sun Yat Fai Lok!
Quack Quack!


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